My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
