I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
