There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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