I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
