i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
