I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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