I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
