it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
