Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
