Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize