I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
