will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
