I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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