Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
