dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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