Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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