Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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