I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Drunk is a universal language darling
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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