OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
