i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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