I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
