yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
