I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
