I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
