I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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