someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
