I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
