I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
