Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
