I cannot find my penis.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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