Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
