When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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