Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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