He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
