i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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