CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
