I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
