Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
