I faked an abortion last night.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
