Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
