Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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