He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
