I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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