I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
