I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
