So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
