Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
