I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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