My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
