im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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