Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
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my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
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My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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