A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
