a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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