I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
