i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
