Umm I'm too high to move.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
