Where did you get a picture of my penis
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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