Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
