PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
