A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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