i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
