How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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