I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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