so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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