Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
