Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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