I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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