I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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