i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
someone owes me an orgasm
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
