I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
