I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
