First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
