I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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