I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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