I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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