All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
be right there i have to get my cape
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
