Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
