I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
