brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
